EA Sports Thinks Chris Chelios is Old

And now, a personal story from the life of Hex.

One week ago yesterday, our family had a little addition.  Of course, the original expected date was last Tuesday, but waiting an extra 24 hours for something that would bring such joy into the world – it was grueling, but ultimately worth it.  I’m telling you, if you could see the proud smile on my face when we got home for the first time.  Sure, you can anticipate sleeping a lot less, and your eating schedule will become far from regular- but ultimately, much is sacrificed when you bring NHL 09 into your home-

What’s that?  Oh, a baby?  Due the same week EA Sports releases their latest Game of the Year?  You’ve got to plan your pregnancies a little better than that, friendo.

After the jump, a crushing revelation for the oldest blueliner on the Detroit Red Wings.

Continue reading


You Can’t Spell Steen without N-E-S

Using only the constraints of Nintendo Ice Hockey, I will now explain to you the soul-crushing downfall of the once mighty Toronto Maple Leafs.  Continue reading

When Someone Besides EA Makes a Hockey Game, Part I: Mario Lemieux Hockey

Lemieux Hockey

Behold – the great Mario Lemieux… with a solid white line in his mouth, so it looks like he’s toothless and wearing a mouthpiece… and a big bright red “66” on the front of his jersey… hoisting a vague, golden statue above his head… looking less like a hockey superstar and more like a kid with Down Syndrome whose parents allowed him to pretend a Rolo wrapper was a magic fleece. Yes, my friend, you have just wasted your money.

In Mario Lemieux Hockey, the 1991 Sega-manufactured “game” (inasmuch as the word “game” does not automatically imply potential for enjoyment) you can’t aim your shots, there aren’t any real teams, faceoffs are decided by the puck bouncing in the air three times then landing on someone’s stick, and the overall gameplay offers you less control than a quadriplegic Calvinist – Yes, “Lemieux”will stand forever as a shining example of what happened in the 90s when someone besides EA tried to make a hockey video game.

Continue reading

The Only Slovak Whose Name I Can Easily Spell is Going Home

22207038.jpgPeter Bondra, the once-great scoring machine for the Washington Capitals, has retired from ice hockey to accept the general manager position for his homeland of Slovakia. Ah, retirement. Good for you, Peter. Because of this decision, you won’t have to you know, not play hockey anytime soon. Not putting on a jersey and not taking shifts in the NHL this season has no doubt taken a toll on your body as of late, and we’re glad that you can finally hang the skates up for good.Of course, you’ll have to take said skates off the rack and then put them back on the rack to make your point, but we understand. Retiring from unemployment is hard.

After the jump, insights into what General (Manager) Bondra can expect once he gets to the practice facility in Bratislava.

Continue reading

A Post for Superfan99 and Rob Feature

That’ll bleed, head.  That’ll bleed.

The day has finally arrived: NHL 08 is in stores everywhere.

Now I don’t need to praise the virtues of EA Sports’ latest edition of the greatest sports video game franchise ever; Weed covered that a few weeks ago. (Seriously, re-read it, take a second to order from Amazon, and then continue reading this. I’ll wait…)

Face it, if Madden were a superior game, video football would be more prominently featured in movies than The Break Up. While Mr. Turducken’s game paid for primo product placement in a mediocre romantic comedy, hockey needed no such means of payola. Real sports video games have indie cred.

On your NHLiday, I give you a closer look at the two greatest video hockey scenes in movie history.

Continue reading

According to ESPN the Mag, Motivational Speaking Might Be the 4th Major Sport

Gracing Pages 118 and 154I will admit a few things before I get started:  1.  I did not read the September 10, 2007 edition of ESPN the Magazine cover-to-cover (but I did at least skim the whole thing) and 2. We are approaching the end of the baseball regular season and the beginning of the NFL regular season, while the NHL is still in off-season mode.


Upon a perusal of the WWL’s rag, I uncovered an interesting statistic.  Find out what it was after the jump.
Continue reading

Ed Belfour Craves the Ikea Furniture

Sam Eagle approves of this helmet.Ed Belfour has lived quite a life. The man no doubt has large trophy cases in his megamansion, in which he stores his multitude of smaller trophy cases. After all, with an NCAA championship, a Calder, a pair of Vezinas, a quartet of Jennings, 6 hideously designed all-star jerseys, an Olympic gold medal, and the Stanley Cup, he’s needs a lot of shelf space. (Yes, I know that former Cup winners do not actually get to keep the Stanley Cup. Ed Belfour understands as well. To commemorate the achievement, he has Brett Hull’s left skate as a placeholder.)

How do I know of all these accolades? Because I watched Ed Belfour’s surprisingly intense propaganda video.

But Eddie the Eagle’s not through yet. And with his latest contract, he’s going to be rolling in…krona.

Continue reading