Season Preview: Montreal Canadiens

 

There's a spider on your towel, miss.

Another excruciatingly long summer is over. Actual hockey games are on the horizon. Because this is the 265th most widely read hockey blog on the internets, MYFO felt a deep obligation to our dozens of readers to prepare this series of previews telling you about every single team in the NHL. By “prepare” we mean, we found other people to write many of them for us. We were looking for people who (unlike us) might have an actual clue about these teams, but were also eager/willing/dumb/not self-respecting enough to work for free. Within those constraints, we think we did an admirable job.

Previewing YOUR Montreal Canadiens: HabsFan10 of the Four Habs Fans.

After an entirely unexpected run to the top of the Eastern Conference last season and an ultimately disappointing playoffs, Montreal fans are wondering what exactly is in store for Les Glorieux in 2008-2009. We know what’s in store on our end: snark, strippers, meth, and an angry tendency to lash out at Coach Carbo, opposing bloggers, mainstream media, and television networks, all in the name of loving the Habs. If you aren’t one of us, here are a few things to watch for this go-around:

Now, From The “What Took You So Long” Department…

Who says things move slower in Canadia? In a long-anticipated and much-ballyhooed move (at least to the Habs faithful), the Montreal Canadiens have finally decided to retire Patrick Roy’s number on November 22nd before a game against the Boston Bruins.

Where the Party At? Eastern Conference Edition

The NHL Draft isn’t like the ones held by the NBA or the NFL.  Work up whatever fervor you like; 98.9 percent of the the teens and foreigners awkwardly pronounced behind a podium won’t be making an impact on your favorite team this season.  But hey, some people like to celebrate this sort of stuff, and many NHL teams want to help.  So join MYFO in our rundown of all the league’s DRAFT PARTIES.  Just don’t blame us when the prick in the back makes the jukebox blare Journey right when your team is about to pick.

Today, the Eastern Conference.

See You On the Fairway: Montréal Edition

Not every team in the playoffs gets to hoist the Stanley Cup. Try as they may, 29 teams will end their hockey-related obligations without lifting the Holy Grail of Hockey. We here at MYFO encourage you to erase their substandard play from your collective memory, and join us in wishing them good luck on the golf course.

Flyers Oust Habs; Carbonneau Disowns Gay Son

In America, our round-the-clock sports channels supersaturate our need for news and reporting.  Take football, for example.  Because there isn’t enough news to actually fill a news cycle, I now know that a Redskins’ rookie tight end can’t operate an alarm clock, much less learn Coach Z‘s playbook.

You don’t get this type of ridicoverage about hockey, (that is, unless, you read our fine sports blog.)  That is, unless you live in Canada.  You see, Canuckistan has the time and space and former hockey players to cover the minutiae that the NHL puts out.  For example, I give you this sound bite from Habs’ Coach Guy Carbonneau prior to Game 6 on Saturday, in reference to his necktie.

“It’s coming out of the closet.”

After the jump, a sound bite from said famous tie, whose name is DO NOT WANT.

The Canadian Office Space

MONTREAL: Listen… Well, what are you doing tonight?  

[Scene: The Bell Centre Concourse. Montreal and Ottawa are there.]  

MONTREAL: There comes a place in a team’s season and, uh, maybe that time for you is now, when it doesn’t hurt to think about the future. 

OTTAWA: Uh, no offense, there, Montreal, but think about yourself, sport. You’re the one who’s been flaking out at work.  You traded a proven goalie to Washington for zero prospects.  You let Boston climb back into a series you could have swept.  You’ve put your hopes and dreams on the stick of Alexei Kovalev, of all people.  Whatever that religious experience or whatever the hell it was, you better snap out of it, or you’re gonna get eliminated.

Carey Price: Child Prodigy

(I apologize in advance for this. Really.)

w00t!!! playoffs baby! ^^

omgz im so gettin laid 2nite. fo shizz. lolz