Mediocre Russians Going Home? Yawn.

That doesn't look like a Lincoln ripoff. Not at all.

NHL brass has their panties in a wad once again over upstart Russian hockey league the KHL (“the ‘K’ is because it’s eKstreeeeme!”). Seems the Russian petrogoons who run the KHL may or may not be violating the “truce” negotiated between the two leagues a few weeks back, and are once again attempting to lure Russian players back to the motherland with promises of fine beluga and classic ZIL limousines, such as the one pictured above.

Last time, it was rumors of Evgeni Malkin being lured to Magnitogorsk. This time, it’s…Alex Radulov?! And Viktor Tikhonov?! Nooooooo!

NHL Quakes in Its ‘Boots’ Following Major Defection to Russia

As MYFO reported previously, the NHL initially professed little worry that a new Russian professional league would swoop in armed with railcars full of petrodollars and sign away premiere hockey talent. The Russian league, known as the KHL (“K Comes Before N”) tried, and failed, to sign Evgeni Malkin out of Pittsburgh. Now, however, they’ve got the next best thing.

In New Russian Pro League, Puck Plays You!

Much to the chagrin of the NHL, the restoration of a professional hockey league in Russia is posed to present plenty of challenges to the NHL’s stranglehold over the world’s most talented players. The upstart Kontinental Hockey League will be attempting to lure the region’s biggest stars back home to play by throwing obscene amounts of money and incentives at players. Number one on the Russian league’s hitlist is reportedly Evgeni Malkin, who apparently is set to receive a multi-year contract from the KHL for a mind-blowing $12.5 million per year.

Former Greats and Scott Young to Collectively Break Hip

Every year around this time, in the midst of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, the IIHF holds their annual World Championships.  Why?  We’re not exactly sure.  After all, it’s the best teams of the NHL that make the playoffs, and there’s a damn good chance that they are the best teams because they have the best players.  So why not hold a World Championships which will prove once and for all which country is the best in a tourney of above-average hockey players?  Let’s do it!!!!

This will continue until Korea shocks the world and wins the damn thing.  Richard Park is a Golden God.

But just because national honor is at stake in a series of sub-NHL caliber hockey games doesn’t mean we can’t celebrate the sport.  And is there a better way to celebrate the sport than old hockey players playing in an Alumni Game?  After the jump, we look at match-up, forget the names of our grandkids, and fall asleep in front of the TV by 4pm.

Not on their Registry? Future Draft Picks.

As I write from a cubicle in Ajax, Toronto (ok, I lied.  It’s not a cubicle It’s an igloo.  I’m writing from an igloo, and I’ve hired a moose to edit and proofread.  Canadian stereotypes: CHECK!), I’ve realized I’ve been witness to a most depressing event in the Great White North.  With Montreal on the ropes, it appears that we’ll be entering the next round of the playoffs Canuckistan free.  And by sheer percentages, there’s an 80% chance that one of those teams should love nationalized healthcare.  This is madness.  How ever will Canada keep their focus on Ice Hockey, what with the CFL Draft to analyze?

Help me, Mats Sundin.  You’re our only hope.

Peter Stastny Is Still Fucking Pissed at Those Communist Bastards

Peter Stastny is an NHL Hall of Famer. He had a stellar career with the Nordiques, Devils and Blues, finishing with 450 goals and more than 1,200 points in less than 1,000 games. Stastny also was one of the first players (and the first major star) to defect from Communist Europe to play in North America.

For you youngsters out there, Communism once filled the role that “islamofascism” now plays in the world; i.e., overhyped threat to goodness, democracy and apple pie, headed by cartoonish egomaniacs and borderline psychotic thugs who hate our way of life, particularly all the fun parts like making lots of money and taking sarcastic verbal potshots at your own government.

For most of us, Communism is pretty much a punchline at this point. But not for Peter Stastny. Nope, Peter still wants to send all those Commie bastards straight to the Hell in which their black atheist hearts refuse to believe.

Rangers Should Only Win in Glasgow

In my interweb travels to prove that we aren’t the last people on Earth who like to banter wittily about hockey, I came across a well-written and well-received article from the UK Guardian’s sportblog, in which music journalist Ian Winwood reminds us all that there’s more than just Swedish two-way defensemen and capable Russian net minders across the pond.  Winwood knows his puck (although his dislike for Nickelback might make Mark Parrish weep), and it’s clear that he’s probably got a better TV broadcast package than most of us can enjoy here in America. 

But Mr. Winwood, while you seem knowledgeable on all things NHL, I can’t help but disagree in full with the main theme of your article yesterday: “A Run at the Stanley Cup from the New York Rangers could give hockey in the US the exposure it once enjoyed, and so carelessly lost.”

Au contraire, my transatlantic friend.  That’s the LAST thing the NHL needs.