Reason No. 256 Why Mats Sundin Can’t Hold Joe Sakic’s Jock

Sure, they played together a couple of seasons as part of the absurdly-talented-yet-comically-unsuccessful Quebec Nordiques (still my favorite NHL ’94 team, despite the frequent goaltending mishaps of Stephane Fiset). And both are members of the fairly exclusive 500-goal club. But since Sundin was traded to Toronto following the 1994 season, they couldn’t be more different.

Forget the rings. Forget the Conn Smythe trophy. Joe Sakic knows how to make up his fucking mind already.

Congratulations! You’re a Lame Duck!

Larry Pleau has been the general manager of the St. Louis Blues since 1997. That’s a long time to be the GM for one franchise in any sport. He even survived a change in ownership. And he’ll be sticking around a little while longer–yesterday, the Blues announced that Pleau had received a two-year contract extension.

Of course, at the same time, the Blues announced that they had already hired Pleau’s replacement, former Stars GM Doug Armstrong. Now that’s some succession planning!

Jeremy Roenick Agrees To Terms With San Jose, Confuses Sharks GM Doug Wilson

It has now been confirmed that Jeremy Roenick will be returning to play for the San Jose Sharks next season. Although his production is not at the level it once was, Roenick will nevertheless be a valuable asset as the Sharks try to rebound from a disappointing season that most experts believed would culminate with the goofball Roenick hoisting Lord Stanley’s Cup above his head for the first time. Said Roenick:

“I’m so happy to say that I will be back for another year. Super GM Doug Wilson and myself agreed to a deal the other day and I can’t tell you, I am so ecstatic.”

As is usually the case in these kind of situations, there is a little more to the story. One of MYFO‘s many embedded sources that we have scattered throughout the NHL has obtained a transcript of the conversation that occurred between Sharks GM Doug Wilson and Jeremy Roenick that ultimately led to the grizzled veteran agreeing to come back for one more grinding go-round on that crazy ride that is a season in the National Hockey League.

Stupid Like a Fox?

We here at MYFO aren’t ones to shy away from making a joke at Commissioner Gary Bettman’s expense (or even giving him his own tag, or taking a gratuitous cheap shot). But when I saw the news that Martin Erat had signed a 7-year, $31.5 million deal with Nashville, I got to thinking. What if he’s not such a moronic douchenozzle after all?

Teemu Selanne Returns From “Retirement” But Not For The Reasons One Would Suspect

Teemu Selänne announced he will make his return to the Anaheim Ducks lineup after signing a 1 year contract with the club yesterday, joining Scott Niedermayer as the second Duck to hem and haw for half a season only to come back when it was convenient for them. Both guys are team players all the way around, in my opinion.

Either way, I’m sure their fellow Ducks are pleased to have them back in the fold – especially Selänne, who led the team in goals, points, power play goals, game-winning goals, shots and shooting percentage last season. It’s surprising why a player who had so much left in the tank would “retire” in the first place. Said Ducks’ Vice President/General Manager Brian Burke:

“It took Teemu several months to determine if he had the passion and determination to return to the NHL, and we are thrilled to have him back.”

Of course you are, Brian. Why wouldn’t you be? The thing is, Teemu did not tell you the real reason he came back, and it wasn’t because his passion for playing the game of hockey had somehow miraculously returned. Selänne came back because he was broke due to some horrible business investments.

Unfrozen Caveman Millionaire Hockey Player

As already reported nearly everywhere around these here internets (note: you should definitely read Better Homes & Gardens Online‘s take on it), Alexander Ovechkin signed the biggest contract in NHL history Thursday, a 13 year, $124 million contract that will keep him with the Washington Capitals more than likely for the rest of his career. There has been rampant speculation as to how this was all going to shake out, but it nevertheless should be viewed as a prudent business move on owner Ted Leonsis’ part, as the Capitals are struggling along this season and perhaps the signing of their only star player to what amounts to a lifetime contract will spark renewed interest in the team.

Blah blah fucking blah. We here at MYFO aren’t about contract analysis, savvy business moves and the like. We like to take a look at stories such as this from different angles than what would be considered conventional. After the jump, let’s take an inside look at this young superstar, via his likes and dislikes.

Mike Richards Embraces the Future

I have to tell you, I’ve really enjoyed this free trial of Netflix that Hatcher got me for Christmas.  I hate going to the video rental store.  HATE IT.  With Netflix, I have movies waiting for me when I get home from a grueling road trip, a swing up to the Meadowlands and NYC, or even coming back from a morning skate!  And I realize that a free month’s trial comes on the inside flap of every Netflix package – so Derian didn’t actually spend any money for this Christmas gift – but it’s the thought that counts.  And the only thought I’m having is that I’ve got Transformers AND The Bourne Ultimatum waiting for me when I get home!  AWESOME!!!

Did you know that they don’t even have late fees in Netflix?  Yeah, I know!  Let’s say I feel like renting a classic, something that was in theaters way before I was old enough to go the Ontariplex with my friends – like Forrest Gump.  Now you have to be in the right mood to watch a classic like that – otherwise the classical brilliance of Robert Zemeckis may not be fully appreciated.  But some days practices are long, and I want to turn my brain off for awhile, ya know?  I may not be in the mood for classic cinema – I may want a popcorn flick – like Transformers or The Bourne Ultimatum!  So then I’m left looking for the perfect opportunity to watch Forrest Gump, and that could take weeks!  Does it matter?  No!  Netflix doesn’t have late fees!

I tell you what, I find their commercials HILARIOUS!  Could you imagine coming into your 6-bedroom house after a red-eye back from Calgary, only to find COWBOYS hanging out in your kitchen!  I mean, ACTUAL COWBOYS!  And some of them are ON HORSES!  That’s what happens if you rent a Western, I think.  Since this has been a free trial, and we’ve been busy losing to Carolina and New Jersey, I haven’t gotten any westerns.  But I’m willing to take suggestions.

But my free trial only has three more days in it, so after these two waiting in my mailbox, I’m going to have to make a decision.  Don’t get me wrong, I love having this luxury, and as a professional athlete, I feel that I’m entitled to a little bit of luxury here and there.  It’s not easy to be Mike Richards all the time.  People are constantly mistaking me for…Jeff Carter.  And I’m getting tired of answering all the fan hate mail accusing me of being a racist whose best years of my career ended when Seinfeld wrapped. 

(looks around kitchen.  Sees 12 year, 69 million contract sitting on the counter next to the Pop Tarts.)

You know what?  I’m going to go for it!  I’m going to call Netflix up and ask if I can get a lower rate if I promise to subscribe at this address through…2019?  Cool!  Well, I’ve got to go now.  Mike Richards the hockey player is about to turn into Mike Richards the movie buff!

(sits down on couch, while making Transforming noise with his mouth.)