Season Preview: Ottawa Senators

Another excruciatingly long summer is over. Actual hockey games are on the horizon. Because this is the 265th most widely read hockey blog on the internets, MYFO felt a deep obligation to our dozens of readers to prepare this series of previews telling you about every single team in the NHL. By “prepare” we mean, we found other people to write many of them for us. We were looking for people who (unlike us) might have an actual clue about these teams, but were also eager/willing/dumb/not self-respecting enough to work for free. Within those constraints, we think we did an admirable job.

Today’s preview of the Ottawa Senators is brought to you by Senators Lost Cojones of Five for Smiting.  You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

NHL Mascots: Exposed! (Volume V)

Welcome to another installment of MYFO’s NHL Mascots: Exposed! Series. I am confident that by now you all know the routine, so let’s just get to it, shall we?

One caveat: as has been the case with other volumes, we are dealing with mascots, so things can get a little hairy, literally and figuratively, so be forewarned.

Where the Party At? Eastern Conference Edition

The NHL Draft isn’t like the ones held by the NBA or the NFL.  Work up whatever fervor you like; 98.9 percent of the the teens and foreigners awkwardly pronounced behind a podium won’t be making an impact on your favorite team this season.  But hey, some people like to celebrate this sort of stuff, and many NHL teams want to help.  So join MYFO in our rundown of all the league’s DRAFT PARTIES.  Just don’t blame us when the prick in the back makes the jukebox blare Journey right when your team is about to pick.

Today, the Eastern Conference.

Stop Copying Me!

“Uncle” Ted Leonsis has always been an innovator. When he first acquired a controlling interest in the Washington Capitals, one of the first things he did was to re-vamp the game presentation. Now, you can’t go to a hockey arena without music, graphics, and video presentations galore.

The rest of the NHL is taking another page from Uncle Ted’s playbook this summer–plucking coaches from the minor and/or junior ranks and throwing them into the NHL fire.

The Canadian Office Space

MONTREAL: Listen… Well, what are you doing tonight?  

[Scene: The Bell Centre Concourse. Montreal and Ottawa are there.]  

MONTREAL: There comes a place in a team’s season and, uh, maybe that time for you is now, when it doesn’t hurt to think about the future. 

OTTAWA: Uh, no offense, there, Montreal, but think about yourself, sport. You’re the one who’s been flaking out at work.  You traded a proven goalie to Washington for zero prospects.  You let Boston climb back into a series you could have swept.  You’ve put your hopes and dreams on the stick of Alexei Kovalev, of all people.  Whatever that religious experience or whatever the hell it was, you better snap out of it, or you’re gonna get eliminated.

See You on the Fairway: Ottawa Edition

Not every team in the playoffs gets to hoist the Stanley Cup. Try as they may, 15 teams will end their hockey-related obligations without lifting the Holy Grail of Hockey. We here at MYFO encourage you to erase their substandard play from your collective memory, and join us in wishing them good luck on the golf course starting today.

Next up, Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price with the Ottawa Senators, who were swept out of the playoffs by The Penguins and Hockey–Jesus, that’s what passes for a golf course in Ottawa??

Jason Spezza has Reasonable Doubts

For Game 3 of the Pittsburgh-Ottawa series, center Jason Spezza is listed as “doubtful.”  If the Associated Press only knew how true this classification was.