Season Preview: Pittsburgh Penguins

Another excruciatingly long summer is over. Actual hockey games are on the horizon. Because this is the 265th most widely read hockey blog on the internets, MYFO felt a deep obligation to our dozens of readers to prepare this series of previews telling you about every single team in the NHL. By “prepare” we mean, we found other people to write many of them for us. We were looking for people who (unlike us) might have an actual clue about these teams, but were also eager/willing/dumb/not self-respecting enough to work for free. Within those constraints, we think we did an admirable job.

Today’s preview of Dan Hopper, Contributor to MYFO and Associate Editor of Best Week Ever.

Coping With Cup Finals Grief

For the sake of perfectly applicable argument, let’s say you randomly find yourself fighting in the death tournament from the game Mortal Kombat, and after easily beating down an alcoholic one-legged Canadian man, you end up squaring off against the guy at your job who you’ve always openly hated ever since he got promoted over you even though he’s asinine and incompetent and stole your girlfriend, and you end up ripping his head off, spinal cord still attached. Then in the next round, you face the kid who bullied you from Kindergarten all the way through your senior year of college before marrying and knocking up the prom queen you’ve always had a crush on, and you beat the crap out of him too, then turn into a dragon and bite him in half. Then in the Finals, you lose to the Detroit Red Wings. Who are, I don’t know, Johnny Cage.

Honestly – would you NOT consider that tournament a success?

MYFO Takes Sidney Crosby Out Bar-Hopping For His 21st Birthday

Just in case you haven’t flipped your NHL-approved calendar, today is Sidney Crosby’s 21st birthday. Given that MYFO is by far the most friendly (and funniest, and best, and most outrageous, and sexiest, and most congenial – need I continue?) hockey blog on these here internets, we took it upon ourselves to show Hockey Jesus a good time on his milestone birthday.

Of course, Sid was more than happy to spend an evening out on the town with a bunch of bloggers he’s never met before. Drinks were drunk, laws and hearts were broken (as well as an incredibly valuable Hummel figurine collection, but we don’t need to get into that right now), but overall, we had a rip-roaring good time.

So follow me after the jump and follow along on our night of drunken debauchery.

Back to Basics: Fuck you, Pittsburgh

Sorry I’ve been silent the past few weeks. An office move, a couple tragedies, lost furniture and files, and unfortunately, little time is left for overusage of curse words, beating comedy bits into the ground, and lots and lots of dick jokes.

Hockey Jesus Tells it Like it Is

In the New Testament, Jesus Christ often chose to speak in parables.  Figuring that anything He said would be treated as if it were a holy mandate, He often decided to spice thing up with some good old fashioned fablespeak.  For the wise, they were able to glean the message by interpreting it properly.  For those without, their literal minds allowed them to rob banks on account of being “prodigal.” 

Sidney Christ finds parables WAY overrated.

Bring on Angola!

Apparently, if you can arrange so that your biggest draws in your league can advance to your Finals, even 4-letter Connecticuttian media hegemons will take notice.

Special to ESPN.com (meaning ESPN.com thinks he’s retarded), Damien Cox penned an article the other night that likens everyone’s favorite hockey savior to our version of Larry Bird.  And since every doofy comparison requires a Magic, it appears that our friend OVIE TIME has won the right to play the Laker on ice.  Bird and Magic = Crosby and Ovechkin?  Sigh.  Damien Cox, if you wanted to create an obtuse analogy, you would have done the following.

MYFO Presents: The 2008 NHL Dream Team (now, with less Laettner!)

BOMBSTACHE Needs Your Help

Hello, friends. You may remember me from those Christian Children’s Fund commercials- those that aired late at night that would attempt to guilt you into donating money to aid starving and impoverished children all over the world? Yep. That’s me. Well, due to some egregious errors in judgment – a bag of grain used to give you carte blanche in the old days, but that’s another story altogether – I have been relieved of my duties as spokesperson for the charity.

I was left pondering: where does a man of my gentle demeanor and aptitude for persuasion go from here? The answer came to me in a flash. Of course, I just had to find another charity to represent.

Jonathan Davis Would Like To Have A Word With You About Sidney Crosby’s Facial Hair

A lot of comments have been made and plenty of ridicule has been heaped upon the Chosen One regarding his slow-developing accumulation of facial hair during the Pittsburgh Penguins’ playoff run. In fact, I even mentioned it in the NHL Closer over on Deadspin on Wednesday which “started a discussion” or two in the comments section.

Despite the fact we were just having a little fun at Sidney’s expense, my inbox was inundated with e-mails regarding the subject, each one more hostile than the last. One of the most surprising came from Jonathan Davis, lead singer of the band KoЯn. He requested a forum in which he could address what he refers to as the “irresponsible hate-mongering and persecution of a true hero”. MYFO was more than happy to oblige.