The New NHL.com: It’s Mission Impossible 2

I remembering seeing Mission: Impossible in the theater some 12 years ago.  (What else was I going to go see?  The Pallbearer?)  Looking back, I remember two main things about the flick.  First – it pushed the envelope action-wise, and left us with at least one iconic spy scene (you know, when Tom Cruise casts his Scientology magic to hover above a shiny kitchen floor.) 

Second – I have no idea what the fuck went on in this movie.

If you asked me to explain the plot of the movie now, in 2008, I could probably describe some visuals for you, name drop a few of the actors, and provide you with the most basic of information.  I would feel as if I did my job selling the movie to you, but both you and I know, I have no idea what the hell I’m talking about.  I’m still not sure if Jon Voight was a good guy or a bad guy.  (Based on my Varsity Blues bias, however, I’m going to assume bad guy.)

In essence, this is my opinion when it comes to the once and current NHL.com.  It seems like most of the basic things you’d want out of a league’s website are there, and you can get enough information to sound like you know what you’re talking about.  Other than that, it’s a backwards-logic, confusing implosion of hockey.

Good news, sports fans.  The NHL feels your pain, and has come out with a sequel.

Bert Hall is a douche

While Avery – the league’s biggest agitator – has no reservations when it comes to getting under an opponent’s skin, his former roommate-turned boss has established a limit.

“Just one,” Hull explained to TSN. “(I said) as long as you don’t embarrass the organization, you can do, say or act any way you want.”

And does that include line-crossing trash talk?

“That’s just part of gamesmanship and his personality,” Hull explained. “You’d be surprised how many guys do things like that out there. Someone’s got to be the best and someone’s got to be the worst at everything.”

And what about getting a stick up in a goaltender’s face like he did last spring against Martin Brodeur? “(That’s not acceptable) to me because that’s not the way you play hockey,” Hull told Off the Record. “Why would you want to do that? Why don’t you want to get open and get a shot away? But that was before he was with me.”

Well, la-di-fucking-da, cock knocker. You must know all about winning….when your foot is in the crease!

Apparently, The Members of Def Leppard Enjoy Having Sugar Poured On Them By 10-Year-Old Vietnamese Girls

God Save the Queens

As many of you know, there is a big to-do scheduled for October 9^th in Detroit to kick-off the 2008-09 NHL season. It has been dubbed the “NHL Face-Off Rocks 2008” and hoo boy, is it ever going to rule. The reason?  The event will be headlined by none other than Def Leppard, “the greatest arena rock band of all-time” (the NHL’s words, not mine). For those readers too young to have experienced the awesomeness that is Def Leppard the first time around, not only did you miss out on glam rock greatness, you also missed the band that penned the most popular strip club song in history perform in their heyday.

EA Sports Thinks Chris Chelios is Old

And now, a personal story from the life of Hex.

One week ago yesterday, our family had a little addition.  Of course, the original expected date was last Tuesday, but waiting an extra 24 hours for something that would bring such joy into the world – it was grueling, but ultimately worth it.  I’m telling you, if you could see the proud smile on my face when we got home for the first time.  Sure, you can anticipate sleeping a lot less, and your eating schedule will become far from regular- but ultimately, much is sacrificed when you bring NHL 09 into your home-

What’s that?  Oh, a baby?  Due the same week EA Sports releases their latest Game of the Year?  You’ve got to plan your pregnancies a little better than that, friendo.

After the jump, a crushing revelation for the oldest blueliner on the Detroit Red Wings.

5 Ways We’d Steal PD’s Bit

1. Over the course of August, the Internets’ most prominent hockey blogger, Greg Wyshynysykyi, ran a series of posts where he asked various people in the community de puck what five ways they would improve the sport.  Three things happened:
2. 1. We pissed off Ted Leonsis something fierce.
3. 2. We beat the topics of contraction, division naming, and shootouts to the point of exhaustion.
4. 3. We were appeased by free photos of Ice Girls.

Oh, yeah, one other thing happened.  Wyshynynysykyi took one of the best ideas of August before anyone of us other jokers could use it.  So instead, we spend the month scouring the wires for other ideas, which meant we gave Stu Barnes more attention in one afternoon than he got in his whole 47-year career.  Copycats of the idea ensued, and we, lacking creativity and shame, are ready to jump the boards and take our shift.

To our readers who stuck with us in fucking August – we thank you.  September’s around the corner, and for those of you ready to join us after a three-day weekend bender, will find that things will perk up around here in the coming month.  But we close August with MYFO’s 5 Ways We’d Change the NHL.

• You see, when there are five of us, we each only have to put 20% effort in.
• Regarding the picture above, Weed has extremely feminine hands.
• Wait a minute.  WHY ARE THERE SIX HANDS?  This blog is haunted.

MYFO Open Letter Series: Sean Avery gets the Sean Avery Treatment

Yanno, I’m a pretty patient guy. I bide my time. I wait my turn. I give people plenty of room on the interstate when they decide to cut me off.

Which is why when I spent months building Sean Avery into hockey’s badass every chance I could (and I beat that motherfucking horse to death over and over), I didn’t fly off the handle when he decided to intern at Vogue this summer. Hell, I didn’t even do a post on it. But some things, even I cannot stand.

NHL Mascots: Exposed (Volume III)

After a lengthy hiatus, MYFO is pleased to finally present the third installment of our “NHL Mascots: Exposed” series, where we take a closer look at those perky purveyors of performance art and attempt to ascertain what makes them tick. But be forewarned: the life of a mascot is not always a pretty one. The road to the top, as these fine examples of arena entertainment surely have trekked, is fraught with detours, some more shameful than others. Enjoy.