OMFG NEWS ALERT: KINGS INVOLVED IN KIDDIE POR–Wait, what?

I nearly lost my lunch when I saw this headline on the L.A. Kings Web site. I thought “Kings Hope Kids Can Fill Holes” was the announcement of their bevy of teenage prospects’ participation in Vol. 36 of the estimable “Fill My Holes” DVD series. I know I suggested last summer that the NHL needed a scandal to spice things up, but this was beyond even my lurid imagination.

No, as it turns out, the article was just a halfhearted attempt to hype the Kings’ halfhearted rebuilding project (Now in Year 16 of 32!).

MYFO’s Open Letter Series: In Which LeNoceur Defends the Honor of Ice Girls Everywhere

Dear uptight bloggers and Internet commenters who start insulting Ice Girls all willy-nilly:

You’ve hurt me, more than words can say. If you’re going to dis Ice Girls, fine, just do it in an orderly fashion, thank you very much. Righteous anger, like one’s concentration during cunnilingus, should be tightly focused. It does no one any good to just start slopping your tongue all over the place.

Ice Girls, especially, don’t deserve this treatment. Ice Girls represent, if not the pinnacle, at least a lofty crag on the mountain of hockey enjoyment. Let me explain: I like sports. I like ladies. These are sportsladies! Hooray! They have my whole-hearted support. But not everyone is such a fan.

The Chuckle Hut Presents the Comedy Stylings of Kevin “Laughmaster” Lowe!

Hey, everybody! Thanks for having me out to the Chuckle Hut! I’m a little new at the comedy game. I spend most of my time being a champion and pissing excellence. But with my track record, I’m sure I’ll be a winner at this, too.

Check out this crowd. What a bunch of inbreeds. Can you people count to six? I can, with just one hand. No, I’m not a mutant, like certain California-dwelling morons. No, I just had my last Stanley Cup ring sized EXTRA FREAKING LARGE and outfitted with a clit-flicker. It’s like my old buddy Mac-T always says–women are like carpet; lay ’em right the first time, and you can walk all over them for years. Am I right, or am I right?

Caps’ GM Would Like You To Know He Is Hung Like a Horse

It’s almost free-agent time in the NHL, which means that teams are scrambling to re-sign their own FAs before the market opens up on July 1 to all bidders. With the past couple summers containing craziness like the Dustin Penner and Tomas Vanek contracts, the “restricted” in restricted free agency is at best a mild deterrent.

Which is why, while attempting to work out a long-term deal with RFA defenseman Mike Green, Washington Capitals GM George McPhee brought out the big stick this week–his own.

We Were There: Ryan Suter Shot Me

As a Chicago Blackhawk fan, it is very easy for me to hate certain players. Jordin Tootoo wears a visor when he fights, Tomas Holmstrom is a slow turd, and Chris Chelios is a turncoat. However, there is one player who has earned my wrath not because he plays for a Central Division rival, but because he greatly shamed me. That player is Ryan Suter.

Aw, shit…

Now I gotta deal with Hockey Jesus giving sermons to this schmuck?

MYFO Completely Biased Playoff Preview: Rangers v. Devils

Oh, c’mon. Who did you think was going to be doing this preview?