Guess Who’s Forty-Three and Ready to Rock?

–ALARM RINGS–

Unnh. Training camp still sucks. But why on earth does my face hurt so much this morning. I’m sensing a presence i haven’t felt since…since…

Philadelphia Prepares for the Coming of Yomommaween

Team sources recently revealed that the Flyers’ reserve netminder Antero Niittymaki will be out upwards of six weeks getting a repair on a torn hip labrum.  Excellent timing, Antero.  You spent all summer sitting on your couch in Helsinki playing XBox, and you’ve finally gotten around to healing the one part of you that allows lateral movement when you’re no doubt lying on the ice amidst a chaotic scene in the crease. 

So rather than call up a Phantom to play every seventh game (Marty Biron, you’re going to be busy), the Flyers have further put that cap in danger by signing a real-live NHL goaltender to fill the void.  That’s right, Jean-Sebastien Aubin is coming to town.

Oh, and he’s a heroin addict.

MYFO Open Letter Series: The One Where Weed Against Speed Goes America All Over the Wild’s Ass

As you may or may not have heard, the Wild and dickmuncher agent Ron Salcer are currently locked in a battle over the Wild’s attempts to sign Marian Gaborik to a long-term contract. Gabby will be an unrestricted free agent after this season so it is imperative that the Wild either sign him before the start of the season or be forced to deal with the day-to-day distractions that the “will they or won’t they trade him” situations always undoubtedly cause (I’m looking at you, Mats Sundin, you assclown).

Alternatively, the Wild could ship Gaborik’s goldbricking ass to some other team before the start of the season. I’m not saying it’s the best option, but it may come to that.

What it all boils down to is this: GET THE FUCKING THING DONE ALREADY!

All It Takes Is One Good Month

Why Is This Man Smiling?

This post is for those of us who are eyeing the all-too-rapid approach of the wrong side of 35 with more than a little trepidation. Still haven’t gotten that big payday? That 401(k) looking a little skimpy? If only there were some way to line one’s pockets with gold before heading off into retirement…

Never fear. Just find a way to work for the Washington Capitals. Put in one solid month, a month that will have people saying: “That guy is working like he’s 25! What an engine of productivity!” At least, that’s the lesson I draw from the fact that 39-year-old Sergei Fedorov has agreed to a one-year deal to return to the Capitals. For $4 MILLION.

Pay Us to Wear Purple

After a week of chaos, the dust has settled on the initial rush of the 2008 Free Agency period.  Nearly 100 players inked their names to new contracts in the past seven days, in an era where the owners may not have yet figured out the magic behind financially sound long-term planning.  But hey, who am I to say that 19 million to Mike Commodore may not be the best investment? 

Even more impressive, the guy behind nhlnumbers.com has gotten all of his masterful spreadsheets updated with the new numbers and each team’s cap stance.  And after a masterful analysis by the MYFO Audit Department, we’ve come to the following conclusion.

The Los Angeles Kings need to hire us.

Everything IS bigger in Texas

Hey Pac-Man…go fuck yourself. Debbie will be doing ME tonight.

Did he just say “Making Puck”?