Claiming Hockey is Now Too Easy for Him, Marian Gaborik Plans to Hang Up Skates and Become A Formula One Driver

 

Five goals, man. Five freaking goals. Someone told me this was first time someone score five goals in NHL game since Sergei Federov did ten years ago. That is the tits, man, as you people say. This hockey stuff getting too easy for me. I’m like gigantic monsters in old video game Rampage and I go destroy building and shit and Army helicopter cannot stop me, I keep climbing and grabbing sexy lady out of windows and shove in my mouth but I’m on the ice and buildings is pucks and…umm…

Shit, that not make sense but you know what I mean. I own Rangers last night. Henrik Lundqvist ain’t nothing. God, I hate Swedish. And Slovakian team would have kicked Swedish ass in Turin in semifinals if we do not eat our asses against fucking Czechs in quarterfinals. Whatever. I treat Lundqvist like Swedish nanny last night. That is why I have “Slovakians Do It Better Than Swedes” bumper sticker on Escalade.

You know, if I totally dominate a Gold medal-winning goalie like that, what is point? I have proven all I need to in NHL. That is why I hang up skates and become Formula One race car driver.

The MYFO Hatiquette

For those of you with Versus (read: both of you), you may have caught the Battle of Pennsylvania last night, as the Flyers and Penguins skated to a 2-2 tie at the Wachovia Center.

Wait, I forgot about Joffrey Lupul’s hat trick.  Make that 5-2.

Wait, I forgot about R.J. Umberger’s hat trick.  Make that 8-2.  There, much better.

So, in a long overdue vengeance game, the Flyers defeated a team that owned them (8 times) last season.  And thanks to Lupul and Umberger, many a Philly fan has been forced to add “new Flyers hat” to their last-minute Christmas list.  A hat trick in hockey is the NHL’s version of making it rain.  The subterranian arena maintenance staff gets choice pick at some new lids, the crowd goes insane while the Ice Girls bend over in spandex to retrieve said hats, and nobody dies on account of reckless gunfire.  Everybody wins!

After the jump, the MYFO Public Service Department reveals the Do’s and Don’ts of Hat Trick Celebrations: The Hatiquette.