Every year around this time, you and your buddies gather and your local bar/pub/igloo (Canadians only) to conduct a fantasy draft. Somewhere around 11 or 12, you’re left with a dilemma. You could either roll the dice on a better player on a bad team (read: Nathan Horton, FLA), or a proven name who, well, did all of his proving on your Sega Genesis more than a decade ago. This isn’t like fantasy baseball, where you may get lucky and get 180 innings out of an aging Mike Mussina or Randy Johnson. This is hockey, damn it. If you’re an old forward, you might as well buy a nice suit and start angling for plush assistant coaching positions with your current club.
Amidst all of the Philadelphia Eagles are the Second Coming of..(well, whatever pick-up team Jesus picked at recess and used to smite the 4th grade) was the news that Eric Lindros has declined an invitation to join all of the Flyers’ other captains in a historic pre-season game to be held at the soon- to-be-demolished Spectrum. Yes, this was Big E’s big chance to stand in front of his former fans and hope for his 2005 Buckner moment, when all is forgiven. Way to stiff a fanbase, 88. It’s pretty unlikely that’ll ever happen now-
WHOA WHOA WHOA HERE COMES SCOTT STEVENS WATCHOUT!!!
You know who else has got to be pissed? How about every teammate who donned the orange and black alongside him during his captaincy years (1994-2000)? Clearly, one of the perks of being the captain was that someday they might knock down the arena your team once won the Cup in, and it’s possible they’d invite the captains to stand at center ice one last time as a tribute to the team’s legacy. I can come up with a half-dozen deserving guys that would have gladly been captain because they wouldn’t turn down a fucking invitation to be remembered greatly.
So while you mourn a memorial service for someone who died weeks ago, we’ll all be after the jump offering invitations to your old teammates, one for each year you wore that C.
Gary Bettman, since he truly has little else to do, has been watching the Brett Favre retirement/unretirement debacle from afar with great interest. In his infinite idiocy, he has hatched a little idea in an attempt to generate some interest and much-needed sympathy relating to his tenure as Commissioner. And, as always, poor Gary is a day late and a dollar short on this one as well.
In a moronic attempt at relevancy, Gary has misguidedly decided to retire as Commissioner of the National Hockey League. Not only that, but he has elected to pattern his retirement after Favre’s. We take you live to his press conference from NHL Headquarters.
I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, Will.
My name is Joe Sakic. I’m about to take a deep breath.
As you are reading this, six-time Vezina Trophy winner Dominik Hasek is sitting as a table in Detroit announcing to the press that he has chosen to retire from the game of hockey. MYFO, for those of you who don’t know, can type at 1,875 words per minute. Therefore, there is no reason for you to not to assume that is the verbatim transcript of said presser, unfolding in real time.