Todd Bertuzzi’s Exciting Business Opportunity – Hurry!

TSN.com reported yesterday that veteran Todd Bertuzzi has cleared waivers, giving the Ducks the ability to buy out the last year of his contract. The Ducks are on the hook to pay two-thirds of the remaining $4 million they owe Bertuzzi, which can be spread over two years to lessen the cap hit. Bertuzzi will now become an unrestricted free agent when free agency officially begins July 1st.

One would think that this should be the end of the road for Bertuzzi, but as we all have grown accustomed to, some team or another will take a flyer on Bertuzzi. Shit, the Wild traded for psychopath Chris Simon at the trade deadline last year.

As MYFO further entrenches itself into NHL culture as every day passes, with more and more frequency we are becoming inundated with e-mails from people throughout professional hockey – people hoping to utilize MYFO as a conduit through which they hope to achieve whatever their respective individual aims may be.

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Fred Smoot Breaks Down the NHL Conference Finals

It recently came to MYFO’s attention that the matchups in the Conference Finals have a unique quality to them: Dallas vs. Detroit and Philadelphia vs. Pittsburgh – DD and PP! That’s some crazy alliteration shit going on right there! As we discussed how we should address this cosmic coincidence, we were left pondering, D-D-P-P, P-P-D-D, P-D, D-P – that’s it! Double Penetration! With that in mind, who better to go deep inside these two series than someone who has had some experience with acts involving double penetration? That’s right, through our contacts at Adam & Eve, we got in touch with the esteemed Fred Smoot and he has agreed to provide his take on the “DP” NHL Conference Finals.

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The New Mayor of Hockeytown

It shouldn’t have been that easy.

As I alluded to on Deadspin last week, I’m up here in Michigan for two long weeks of business training.  Detroit?  What a great time to be in Detroit.  Two teams are highly-seeded playoff squads, the Tigers recently remembered that they play baseball for a living, and it’s time for Matt Millen’s Annual Draftastic Nightmare.  You have to be proud, Michigan.

As I sat in my hotel room, waiting for the final seconds of the Calgary-San Jose Game 7 last Tuesday night, I got a crazy idea.  One thing was for sure – the Red Wings would be hosting Games 1 and 2 of their 2nd round series.  And once the merciless clock runs out on the Flames (and the decomposing CuJo), those games’ details would be released by the league.  Since I had nothing going on for the weekend, how hard would it be to get a seat in Joe Louis Arena?

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MYFO Undercover Special Edition: A Mrs. Bettman Diary Entry

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Over the past few weeks, through the efforts of our crack undercover investigative team, we have brought you several excerpts from the pages of NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman’s private diary. Upon further inspection of Mr. Bettman’s diary, we have realized there were a few pages stuck together (what substance caused this is undetermined at this time and will more than likely continue to be unknown as no one here at MYFO really wants to know). In between the pages appeared to be a page torn out of a journal. We have confirmed that the page is an entry from Mrs. Bettman’s personal diary. Why was it in the Commissioner’s diary? Would it provide us some insight into what it is like to be married to the Commissioner and therefore, into the distorted psyche and twisted mind of the Bettster? We shall see.

Note: For the uninitiated, MYFO team member Raskolnikov, through his own investigative efforts, had already identified and actually came in contact with Mrs. Bettman. If you have not done so already, you can find documentation of his findings here. Continue reading

Undercover MYFO: Gary Bettman’s Diary Part III

AuthenticOver the past few weeks, through the efforts of our crack undercover investigative team, we brought you the first two excerpts from the pages of NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman’s private diary. Today, the exposition continues. In this entry, we take a look at Bettman’s thoughts leading up to the 1997 NHL Expansion.

2/3/97

“Dear Diary,

I finally have done it. I finally have got the issue of once-again expanding the NHL on the table. Those half-wit owners just can’t understand that I’m an idea man, and if they were to just follow my lead, we could bring the NHL to levels of unparalleled success, rivaling the NFL. So we decided on having the big vote this June, and I have some ideas on where we should put the new teams. Continue reading

Undercover MYFO: Gary Bettman’s Diary Part II

AuthenticLast week, through the efforts of our crack undercover investigative team, we brought you the first excerpt from the pages of NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman’s private diary. Today, the exposition continues…

2/2/2005

“Dear Diary:

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Undercover MYFO: Gary Bettman’s Diary Part I

AuthenticMYFO’s crack undercover operatives are always on the lookout for news. It is our mission to bring you truly “Inside the NHL,” giving you stories you won’t see anywhere else. Today, we have scored another coup. Our operative was able to obtain Commissioner Gary Bettman’s personal diary, and (using a very tiny camera concealed in a removable dental bridge) has brought back a copy for all of our enlightenment and amusement. This is the first installment.

1/6/2005

“Dear Diary : Continue reading