Season Preview: Boston Bruins

To me, my Bruins!

To me, my Bruins!

Another excruciatingly long summer is over. Actual hockey games are on the horizon. Because this is the 265th most widely read hockey blog on the internets, MYFO felt a deep obligation to our dozens of readers to prepare this series of previews telling you about every single team in the NHL. By “prepare” we mean, we found other people to write many of them for us. We were looking for people who (unlike us) might have an actual clue about these teams, but were also eager/willing/dumb/not self-respecting enough to work for free. Within those constraints, we think we did an admirable job. Today’s preview of the Boston Bruins is brought to you by Gabe and John of The Jumbotron.

Oh, yeah.  The Jumbotron laughs in the face of Word Counts.

The Blades Protocols: A Systematic, Player-by-Player Guide of How To Defeat The Boston Bruins

Although the Boston Bruins are celebrated as an “Original Six” team, did you know that not many people are aware of the Boston Bruins existence? You, yourself may have thought that the Boston Bruins were simply a rumor, or that if they had existed, that they died out years ago (1971-72 to be exact). However, this couldn’t be further from the truth. The Bruins are indeed alive, and walk among us almost every day. Luckily, your friends at The Jumbotron have secured copies of the long-rumored “Blades Protocols”: A set of doomsday plans compiled by “beloved” Bruins mascot, Blades, scribbled on cocktail napkins and unsold ticket stubs, that detail the best way to defeat the current Bruins roster, including Coach Claude Julien and Blades himself, should they become too large a danger.

Continue reading

Advertisements

Season Preview: Florida Panthers

Another excruciatingly long summer is over. Actual hockey games are on the horizon. Because this is the 265th most widely read hockey blog on the internets, MYFO felt a deep obligation to our dozens of readers to prepare this series of previews telling you about every single team in the NHL. By “prepare” we mean, we found other people to write many of them for us. We were looking for people who (unlike us) might have an actual clue about these teams, but were also eager/willing/dumb/not self-respecting enough to work for free. Within those constraints, we think we did an admirable job.

Today’s preview of YOUR Florida Panthers is brought to you by Deadspin legend, ladies man and dashing continental gentleman Jordan Bowes, aka Tattooed Messiah.

Before we get into it, let me indulge my inner Silky Johnston for a second and do some quality hating. Ahem…What can I say about this year’s Florida Panthers roster that hasn’t already been said about Afghanistan? They’re bombed out and depleted!

There are fewer stars on this team than at the Comedy Central roast of Gallagher.

From the casual fan’s point of view, Jacques Martin made more questionable moves this off-season than most guys do at last call on Thirsty Thursdays.

Continue reading

Season Previews: Washington Capitals

Ovie....Time?

Ovie....Time?

Another excruciatingly long summer is over. Actual hockey games are on the horizon. Because this is the 265th most widely read hockey blog on the internets, MYFO felt a deep obligation to our dozens of readers to prepare this series of previews telling you about every single team in the NHL. By “prepare” we mean, we found other people to write many of them for us. We were looking for people who (unlike us) might have an actual clue about these teams, but were also eager/willing/dumb/not self-respecting enough to work for free. Within those constraints, we think we did an admirable job.

Today’s preview of YOUR Washington Capitals is brought to you by frequent MYFO commenter and liveblog fan favorite Caps Red Army.

Continue reading

Season Preview: New York Islanders

Another excruciatingly long summer is over. Actual hockey games are on the horizon. Because this is the 265th most widely read hockey blog on the internets, MYFO felt a deep obligation to our dozens of readers to prepare this series of previews telling you about every single team in the NHL. By “prepare” we mean, we found other people to write many of them for us. We were looking for people who (unlike us) might have an actual clue about these teams, but were also eager/willing enough to work for free. Within those constraints, we think we did an admirable job. 

Today, with your preview of the New York Islanders, Sir Hotbod Handsomeface, retired MYFO founding father and semi-frequent deadspin commenter who, if he could do it all over again, would have made his handle Due Diligence and Initial Purchase Agreement Drafts for a Reasonable Price.

Continue reading

Season Preview: New York Rangers

Another excruciatingly long summer is over. Actual hockey games are on the horizon. Because this is the 265th most widely read hockey blog on the internets, MYFO felt a deep obligation to our dozens of readers to prepare this series of previews telling you about every single team in the NHL. By “prepare” we mean, we found other people to write many of them for us. We were looking for people who (unlike us) might have an actual clue about these teams, but were also eager/willing/dumb/not self-respecting enough to work for free. Within those constraints, we think we did an admirable job.

Today’s preview of the Rangers is brought to you by First Derivative of The Puck Stops Here.

Well, being that it’s either a Ranger preview or the script for Mystery, Alaska (Courtesy of Hex), I felt it was necessasry to defend my Prince of Whales Conference Contenders for the upcoming 08/09 season.

Continue reading

Season Preview: Colorado Avalanche

Another excruciatingly long summer is over. Actual hockey games are on the horizon. Because this is the 265th most widely read hockey blog on the internets, MYFO felt a deep obligation to our dozens of readers to prepare this series of previews telling you about every single team in the NHL. By “prepare” we mean, we found other people to write many of them for us. We were looking for people who (unlike us) might have an actual clue about these teams, but were also eager/willing enough to work for free. Within those constraints, we think we did an admirable job. 

Today, with your preview of the Colorado Avalanche, the Talented Mr. Jibblescribbits, a/k/a Deadspin commenter HockeyMountain.

Continue reading

Season Preview: Anaheim Ducks

This is sewious!

This is sewious!

Another excruciatingly long summer is over. Actual hockey games are on the horizon. Because this is the 265th most widely read hockey blog on the internets, MYFO felt a deep obligation to our dozens of readers to prepare this series of previews telling you about every single team in the NHL. By “prepare” we mean, we found other people to write many of them for us. We were looking for people who (unlike us) might have an actual clue about these teams, but were also eager/willing enough to work for free. Within those constraints, we think we did an admirable job. Your Anaheim Ducks preview is brought to you by Earl Sleek from Battle of California.

Hellllooooo, melties! I was invited by a scary man with a scary gun to preview the Anaheim Ducks, apparently so that you can all go to bed on time this season. I’ve decided to allow my good friend Johnnie Walker along for the writing of this post, mostly because he’s a faster typist.

Here’s six things you might want to know about the Anaheim Ducks this season. If it turns out later that you didn’t want to know any of these, please consult your own personal Johnnie Walker, and he should help clear out those memory cells in your brain. Continue reading