Season Preview: San Jose Sharks

Another excruciatingly long summer is (almost) over. Actual hockey games are on the horizon. Because this is the 265th most widely read hockey blog on the internets, MYFO felt a deep obligation to our dozens of readers to prepare this series of previews telling you about every single team in the NHL. By “prepare” we mean, we found other people to write many of them for us. We were looking for people who (unlike us) might have an actual clue about these teams, but were also eager/willing/ enough to work for free. Within those constraints, we think we did an admirable job. Your San Jose Sharks preview is brought to you by Mr. Plank of We Bleed Teal.

It’s no secret- the Sharks have had a helluva time getting past the second round the last three years. Every single season Teal Nation (we really don’t call ourselves that- it’s sort of a rip off of “Raider Nation“, the Oakland Raiders fanbase in the National Convicts League) gets more excited than me on prom night about the chance to finally score the big one. Also like my prom night, the ending is the same-an early exit, people laugh, you retire from your career as a human being and start up a blog. It’s a rough life.

Cashblowing: Send ‘Em to Nicaragua Edition

Face it, people – the summer months are difficult ones in which to be a sarcaustic hockey blog.  Good leads on stories are as infrequent as Derian Hatcher lighting the lamp/turning down an eclair.  In what may become a recurring feature out of necessity, Hextall454 takes a look at the finest product offerings the NHL Shop has to offer…and then promptly demands his money back.

Can’t say there’s a whole lot happening right now that makes me want to rush out to the NHL Shop and start burning through my hard-earned currency.  It’s not that I don’t see that you’ve signed Dan Fritsche to an entry-level deal, Colorado; he’s just not exactly at the top of my must-buy Avs jersey list.

Ok, you got me.  No such list exists.

And I don’t care what they’re saying about gas prices going back down, I’ve got to keep my wallet in check.  And besides, our guest room has been swallowed up by this monstrosity, so where would I put fresh NHL.com gear?  Hell, Madden came out today.  I’m broke.

But in case YOU, the loyal MYFO reader, would like to contribute towards Gary Bettman’s annual bonus, here are some curiously-low cost items, courtesy of your friends at Inventory Clearance Central.

Where the Party At? Western Conference Edition

The NHL Draft isn’t like the ones held by the NBA or the NFL.  Work up whatever fervor you like; 98.9 percent of the the teens and foreigners awkwardly pronounced behind a podium won’t be making an impact on your favorite team this season.  But hey, some people like to celebrate this sort of stuff, and many NHL teams want to help.  So join MYFO in our rundown of all the league’s DRAFT PARTIES.  Just don’t blame us when the prick in the back makes the jukebox blare Journey right when your team is about to pick.

Today, the Western Conference.

Jeremy Roenick Agrees To Terms With San Jose, Confuses Sharks GM Doug Wilson

It has now been confirmed that Jeremy Roenick will be returning to play for the San Jose Sharks next season. Although his production is not at the level it once was, Roenick will nevertheless be a valuable asset as the Sharks try to rebound from a disappointing season that most experts believed would culminate with the goofball Roenick hoisting Lord Stanley’s Cup above his head for the first time. Said Roenick:

“I’m so happy to say that I will be back for another year. Super GM Doug Wilson and myself agreed to a deal the other day and I can’t tell you, I am so ecstatic.”

As is usually the case in these kind of situations, there is a little more to the story. One of MYFO‘s many embedded sources that we have scattered throughout the NHL has obtained a transcript of the conversation that occurred between Sharks GM Doug Wilson and Jeremy Roenick that ultimately led to the grizzled veteran agreeing to come back for one more grinding go-round on that crazy ride that is a season in the National Hockey League.

See You on the Fairway: San Jose Edition

Not every team in the playoffs gets to hoist the Stanley Cup. Try as they may, 29 teams will end their hockey-related obligations without lifting the Holy Grail of Hockey. We here at MYFO encourage you to erase their substandard play from your collective memory, and join us in wishing them good luck on the golf course.

What happened?  At the time of this posting, the San Jose Sharks and Dallas Stars finished their 62-OT Game 6 about 12 minutes ago.  It’s a shame to see Joe Thornton and his trendy pre-season pick Sharks head to the first tee and all, but doesn’t this bode well for the NHL?  With Detroit, Philadelphia, Dallas, and the Savior of All Mankind left, the Finals TV ratings will be far superior than any match-up than would have involved only the third-largest city in California.  We can only assume it was Gary Bettman who told Morrow to find Milan Michalek and knock him the fuck out.

Their Year in MYFO: My, what a year it’s been around here for the Men in Teal.  (Ed note: I’m referring to the Sharks, not your MYFO Editors.  We’re more the Cornflower Blue types.)  We recapped the team’s entire existence in one post, with the Top Eight Moments in SJS History.  Once they announced they’d send some players to China, we brought the list of guys who should get their passports ready.  LeNoceur called out some inconsistencies on the Ye Olde Goc Blogge.  And two more words: EPIC FAIL.

The Silver Lining: Evgeni Nabokov proved he could hang in the playoffs with some saves of ridiculitude.  The nucleus should be back next year.  Hey, you guys won the Battle of California.  And if nothing else, you get to cover Jeremy Roenick’s Retirement Text Messagegate ’08 this summer.

MYFO Comes Alive!

 

A special announcement on short notice: MYFO will be live blogging Game 6 of the Sharks/Stars series tonight. So tune in to Versus at 9:00 p.m. E.S.T. (if you can) and contribute to the witty repartee that will be going back and forth between such luminaries as:

• Reasonable Doubt!
• Weed Against Speed!

and last but not least:

• maybe other people!

All you have to do to participate is click this link right here and you will be redirected to the Cover It Live website as we are not allowed to embed the live blog on our own site (stupid WordPress). Join in on the fun! Let’s be honest, you have nothing better to do anyway. You’re checking out a hockey blog on a Sunday night, right?

Dick’s Wearing a Skirt

Hold on there, self. Just stay composed, we’re only down 2-1, we’re playing a great game, everything’s cool. Except that we can’t express our true image …