Profiles In Douchebaggery: New York Islanders GM Garth Snow Enjoys the Company of College-Aged Men

 

 

 

Kyle Okposo, a sophomore on the Minnesota Golden Gophers hockey team, has decided to leave the program and is joining the New York Islanders, the team who drafted him No. 7 overall in last year’s NHL draft. The announcement came Wednesday and on Thursday, the General Manager of the Islanders, Garth Snow, or how I now choose to refer to him, Algar Cocksmacker, had this to say:

“Quite frankly, we weren’t happy with the program there. They have a responsibility to coach, to make Kyle a better player, and they were not doing that. [Okposo] just wasn’t getting better — bottom line. And to me, that’s the frustrating part. We entrusted the coach there to turn him into a better hockey player, and it wasn’t happening. We feel more comfortable in him developing right under our watch.”

Here is what I have to say about that quote: Go fuck yourself, Algar. We all know what this is really all about: your white-hot man-love for college boys. The sooner you face it, the sooner we can all move on.

I’m really sorry I had to bring that up, Algar Cocksmacker. I tried to think of other reasons as to why you would do such a thing. For instance, I’m sure this definitely has nothing to do with Chris Simon’s recent 30-game suspension, right? You know, with the available roster spot and all? In fact, you said it yourself and if there is one thing I have learned is that you can always believe what a member of a professional sports team’s front-office says:

“We had our meetings well before that transpired. If that incident hadn’t happened, we’d probably still be at the same decision.”

Well, you sold me, Mr. Cocksmacker. Maybe you are correct. Perhaps Gophers’ Head Coach Don Lucia isn’t such a fantastic teacher of the game and he doesn’t develop NHL-caliber players. But after looking into it, I discovered that since Lucia took over the Gophers program in 1999, starting in 2000 39 Gophers have been drafted by NHL teams.  That’s nearly six players a year that ultimately end up either making it to the NHL or at the very least get the opportunity to be “developed under the watch” of people such as yourself, Algar. I could be wrong, but to me, that’s a pretty impressive track record.

I hate to keep detailing all of your moronic quotes regarding this situation, Mr. Cocksmacker, but I have to ask you, what did you mean when you said:

It’s well-known in hockey circles that the situation for college players is to develop and get better. And quite frankly, it’s a big responsibility for a college coach — a program — to handle these kids. Whether it was Kyle or another player, until things change in that program we’d probably make the same decision. There should be a coach there that looks in the mirror.”

You know, you’re right, sir. Things should change within the Golden Gophers hockey program. They have only won two of the last five National Championships, for Christ’s sake! Unacceptable! I admit the Gophers are struggling a bit early on this season (as they often do) and I am aware that the last National Championship came nearly five years ago, but when you probe deeper (don’t look at me like that, Algar!), here is how the past four seasons have broken down: lost in the NCAA Semifinals once, the Quarterfinals twice and finally, the admittedly embarrassing loss to Holy Cross in the First Round in the 2006 tournament.  Coach Lucia should be ashamed of himself and the 500+ victories he has amassed in his 20+ years of being a head coach at the collegiate level.

So then, how do you explain your Islanders team getting bitch-slapped by the Buffalo Sabres in the first round last year 4 games to 1? So who’s responsibility was that? I guess it was probably Neil Smith’s fault, right? He did hold the GM job for the Islanders for a whole forty days last year just before you got the job. We can all agree you certainly had nothing to do with it.

Last question, Algar, I promise. Don’t you think it’s a little unfair that you essentially coerced Osposo into making such an important decision under immense pressure? Oh, you didn’t?

“Obviously, it’s Kyle’s decision whether to stay or leave,” Snow said. “But we contacted Kyle and asked how things were going. And that’s why we’re where we’re at.”

Right. No pressure.

One last thing, Algar Cocksmacker – good luck in the future in getting up-close access to all the talented athletes that play collegiate hockey. I’m sure everyone coaching hockey at the NCAA level will be more than happy to work closely with you now. 

Face it, jerk-off: Don Lucia is better at being a coach than you will ever be at being a general manager of an NHL team.

But now is the time for honesty – will ya level with me, Algar? It’s okay. It’s just that I cannot figure out any other reasonable possibility that caused you to do what you did and say what you said.  It’s not like there’s anything wrong with it. Times are tough for guys like you. Too old to cruise the college bars but not yet old enough to gain entrance to Lemon Parties.

And Kyle, one last thing for you as well…watch out for your cornhole, bud.

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