I’Z LATE FOR AN IMPORTANT DATE

BZZZZZZZZZZ!!! BZZZZZZZZZZ!!! BZZZZZZZZZZ!!! BZZZZZZZZZZ!!!

Cashblowing…with Scott Niedermayer?

Picture this scenario.

Last summer, you went to the beach.  Since beaches tend to be fantastic places to misplace your valuables in the sand, you left your wallet in the car and chose to pocket ten bucks in your board shorts.  Why, might you ask?  Because beaches also tend to be fantastic places for the sun to kick your ass.  And it’s only a matter of time before the ice cream truck comes to your rescue.  You sprint over the scorched sand, cash in hand, ready to feast on Water Ice colder than the Blues’ power play.

Only to find they’re fresh out of Water Ice.  Fuck.

Flash forward to this summer.  It’s time to go to the beach.  And you’ve just found last year’s ten bucks still in your shorts.  FREE MONEY.  How will you spend it?

This is the dilemma Scott Niedermayer currently faces. 

Mediocre Russians Going Home? Yawn.

That doesn't look like a Lincoln ripoff. Not at all.

NHL brass has their panties in a wad once again over upstart Russian hockey league the KHL (”the ‘K’ is because it’s eKstreeeeme!”). Seems the Russian petrogoons who run the KHL may or may not be violating the “truce” negotiated between the two leagues a few weeks back, and are once again attempting to lure Russian players back to the motherland with promises of fine beluga and classic ZIL limousines, such as the one pictured above.

Last time, it was rumors of Evgeni Malkin being lured to Magnitogorsk. This time, it’s…Alex Radulov?! And Viktor Tikhonov?! Nooooooo!

Don’t Look Now.

It’s that time on the Interwebs where every puck journalist and blogger scours the 2008-2009 NHL season for the ten Can’t Miss Games on the upcoming docket.  Regardless of season, you can count on the same boring list from the mainstream media, year after year. 

1. The season opener (shocker, I know)
2. Stanley Cup rematch
3. Any game not played indoors
4. Matchup of league’s two biggest stars
5. Hometown hero’s new team coming to old town
6. Slightly less important hometown hero’s new team coming to old town
7. Minnesota’s old team vs. Minnesota’s new team
8. Sidney Crosby
9. Sidney Crosby
10. Sidney Crosby

At least Wysh had an inspired choice with Richard Zednik’s return to the ice.  (UPDATE: Wasn’t referring to our PD in the above ‘graph.)

After the jump, MYFO gives you the 10 Must-Miss Games of the 08-09 Campaign.

The Most Important Election on July 17

I love masturbation.  There’s nothing like reaching down my pants and scoring against myself (”Steve Smithing” should be slang for this act).  However, I’m not a whiteout machine; there are only so many times I can pull on my knob.  What can I do while waiting for a reload?

Cashblowing with Hextall454

Face it, people - the summer months are difficult ones in which to be a sarcaustic hockey blog.  Good leads on stories are as infrequent as Derian Hatcher lighting the lamp/turning down an eclair.  In what may become a recurring feature out of necessity, Hextall454 takes a look at the finest product offerings the NHL Shop has to offer…and then promptly demands his money back.

The NHL thinks it has you pegged.  They’ve got shift after shift of market research assistants who know your spending patterns and the product lines that will pique your interest.  And to prove it to you, they’re having a 15% off EVERYTHING sale for the next week or so to entice you to spend your almighty currency at their cybermarket.  Who needs gas money, when you can buy this adorable blow-up rink display for no doubt your favorite Starting Lineup hockey figures.  It’s a Franklin Mini Hockey Rink Set!

Just picture yourself, chilling in your well-carpeted finished basement, making line changes with your favorite miniature representations of the game’s best players, choosing not to focus that the depth of the nets rival blueline-to-blueline.  And sure, the price of 99.99 seems high for a round of simulated shiftwork, but I guess some people are really into the experience.  Sign me up.

Sweet Christ, it’s what now?

Isles Suffer from Internal Breeding

Breaking news out of Long Island: Ted Nolan has been relieved of his duties of the Head Coach of the New York Islanders.  While Nolan has remained quiet in this brief aftermath, General Manager Garth Snow has let the media know that it was “philosophical differences” that forced the team to part ways with their coach of two years.  When asked to elaborate, Snow informed MYFO:

Simply put, I contend that the metaphysical plane on which team leadership, penalty kill shift lengths, and the seemingly endless inertia of a hockey puck sliding towards the corner boards of like must exist harmoniously at a glorious crux in time and space, while Mr. Nolan contends that he would like to punch me in the mouth.  Which he then did.

With a roster full of new free agents and young prospects, Snow now faces the arduous task of finding a replacement who doesn’t insist on mouthpunching him.  Wait, - what’s that?  Hold on - we’re getting something over the wires.  They have?  It’s who?  Well, I’ll be damned.