Men’s Fitness Magazine Goes Totally Gay for Sidney Crosby…And So Should You!

Sidney

To our collective delight, the cover story in the February issue of the greatly informative and never-homoerotic periodical Men’s Fitness is about none other than the Messiah, the Golden Child, the Prophet of Puck: Sidney Christ. And you know what? It’s a good thing. Isn’t it about time Sid the Kid started getting the exposure and accolades he rightfully deserves?

After the jump, let us delve into this study of fellatio via the written word article and soak up all its juiciness. It will be like a step class, only for your brain and much less humiliating. As an added bonus, the guy behind you won’t be checking out your ass the whole time you’re reading it.

We’ll get to the article in a moment, but first off, let’s take a look at the cover of this magazine. I feel inclined to point out that I am not a frequent purchaser of fitness magazines. You see, I’m a naturally well-toned individual who stays in great shape with minimal effort – picture Dustin Penner when he showed up for training camp with the Oilers  – but I always get a kick out of the claims they make. For example, are they implying that if I simply read a four-page article and follow a few pieces of advice, I can stay fit forever? No fucking way!

And wait, I too can have “flat, rock-hard abs”? Sweet! There is also a “Build Every Part of Your Body” article. But what happens if I follow the advice but do so in conjunction with taking a “supplement” magazines like these are always pimping? My cock is still going to get smaller no matter what, right? To me, that’s not “building” every part.

And who else cannot wait to “score” with Sidney’s workout? I sure as hell can’t!

Moving on to the actual article, MYFO has obviously had a good time with the whole “Hockey Jesus” bit. Hey, we’re smartasses – what do you expect? But even one of the best hockey blogs in the history of the e-bays apparently is not the sole perpetrator in making this comparison. Even members of the “mainstream media” such as Men’s Fitness have difficulty not comparing Sidney Crosby to Jesus Christ. In a somewhat brief article there are four telling references to Christian imagery and symbolism:

  • The “subtitle” to the article: Can the fresh faced NHL superstar really resurrect this sagging sport?
  • “Indeed it was Gretzky himself who anointed Crosby, then only 15, as the player who’ll someday shatter his records.”
  • “Alas, Crosby’s playoff baptism last season didn’t last long enough for his tastes.”
  • “The hockey establishment has even pegged him as the game’s savior (think Magic Johnson and Larry Bird rolled into one).”

It’s surprising the writer of the article didn’t relay how he experienced stigmata during the interview or how Sidney Christ turned water into Gatorade. Maybe the interview played out in a similar fashion to Madonna’s Like a Prayer video, only with a pasty Canadian. You never know.

Even former Rangers GM Neil Smith gets in on the act:

“He’s the real thing. You very rarely get to see the real thing coming along. He’s got everything you could ask for. He has a unique number on his back [87]; he’s a very good-looking kid, very articulate. He’s the total package. He’s like a matinee idol type – kids want his poster in their bedroom.”

Is it just me or does anyone else get the impression Smith has a poster of Crosby on his own bedroom wall? Right between his Hannah Montana and Jonas Brothers shrines. 

To make matters even worse, the name of the writer of the article is Ohm Youngmisuk. Fellow MYFO editor and the always brilliant LeNoceur had this to say about his name:

That’s Brian Suksumwong funny, right there. That’s like gay Yoda. “Oh, mmm, young me suck. Cum, good it is.” 

It is also rumored that this poor soul’s name is eerily similar to the words Gary Glitter loved to hear most from child prostitutes while he was living in Vietnam.

Finally, if you feel the urge to see the sexy photos of Crosby that without a doubt accompany the article for yourself, you will have to unfortunately purchase the magazine on your own. This ain’t Fleshbot and I think ogling photos of The Chosen One could be considered blasphemous, you goddamn heathens.

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28 Comments

  1. I also love how Sid managed to get the Rbk logo in the cover photo THREE TIMES. Whatever they are paying him in his endorsement deal, he just earned it back.

  2. I don’t know – these new jerseys just seem too tight.

  3. Did they airbrush those man boobs on Sid?

  4. -He has a unique number on his back (87)-

    What makes the number “87” so different from say “45” or “78”?

  5. well i like the picture, so there!

  6. @frank costello: I’m not sure about air brushing. I’d almost say it was cold in the studio because I can nearly see nip.

    @pam: umm…yeah…the head doesn’t look right, but, I’m just gonna show myself out now

  7. @Joe: What’s so unique about 87? Let’s ask Donald Brashear and Pierre Turgeon.

    @World: I’m just glad he’s not dressed like Pensblog Charlie. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

  8. It’s good to see that there is equal opportunity when it comes to scamming consumers with easy-fix-it magic weight lose pills. If it isn’t Jimmy Tango’s Fat-Busters, it ain’t gonna work folks.

  9. lose=loss, I need a magic vocab pill

  10. @ Joe: Eighty-Seven is unique in that it is the only 2 digit number with an eight preceding a seven. I’d like to see thirteen or even forty-nine try make that claim.

  11. Hey Sid, I have a couple of bras I can spare you. You look about my size, 36 D, right?

  12. -Looks down-

    He’s got bigger boobs than I do.

    :'(

  13. I’m going to have to guess tha none of you are Penguins fans. I sense jealousy. This was the worst article I’ve ever read. Do something more productive with your time like write a novel about how fantastic your lives are, I’m sure you have plenty of time.

  14. @ Matt: “It’s true your honor: this man has no penis”

  15. I like the fact that we have so many female commenters.

    As the only unmarried MYFO Editor, my e-mail is on the upper-left side of the screen. Please contact me at your earliest convenience.

  16. I’m so turned on right now.

  17. Not that there’s anything wrong with it.

  18. Ladies, I would like to point out that the fact that the rest of us are married shows that we are not afraid of commitment, and that we obviously are great catches.

    My email is also on the upper left.

  19. Damn it, Costello.

    “It’s true your honor. This man has no dick.”

    If your going to quote Ghostbusters, get it right!

  20. Single contributors don’t get email links. Just another example of The Man keepin’ us down.

  21. I like to think the Man is helping us out if the NHL keeps feeding us more and more Sid.

  22. “Goes gay” would seem to incorrectly imply that Men’s Health is only gay when Crosby’s on the cover.

  23. Men’s Fitness. Sorry, I’m a moron.

  24. @ Matt: I’m sensing a bit of sand in your vagina. If you think that was harsh please don’t ever read another sports blog again.

  25. @matt – i’m not sure how a bunch of guys who call Sid Hockey Jesus could be jealous, but whatever. though a MYFO novel would be awesome. joint book tour with Leitch!

    I Googled “Ohm Youngmisuk” just to see if that really is a person. you would not believe the image results with safe search turned off

  26. HabsFan29, I think a MYFO novel would have to come wrapped in plastic but we are planning on doing a Choose Your Own Adventure series where no matter which way you choose to go you always end up getting sucker-punched by Chris Simon.

  27. @Weed Against Speed: Will there be one where you get to be the fan that fights with Domi in the penalty box?

  28. Ok, a book tour. But only on the following conditions.

    1.) Leitch picks up every check.
    2.) Illustrations via “Bad MS Paint” tag.
    3.) Leitch picks up every check.


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