Men’s Fitness Magazine Goes Totally Gay for Sidney Crosby…And So Should You!

To our collective delight, the cover story in the February issue of the greatly informative and never-homoerotic periodical Men’s Fitness is about none other than the Messiah, the Golden Child, the Prophet of Puck: Sidney Christ. And you know what? It’s a good thing. Isn’t it about time Sid the Kid started getting the exposure and accolades he rightfully deserves?

After the jump, let us delve into this study of fellatio via the written word article and soak up all its juiciness. It will be like a step class, only for your brain and much less humiliating. As an added bonus, the guy behind you won’t be checking out your ass the whole time you’re reading it.

We’ll get to the article in a moment, but first off, let’s take a look at the cover of this magazine. I feel inclined to point out that I am not a frequent purchaser of fitness magazines. You see, I’m a naturally well-toned individual who stays in great shape with minimal effort – picture Dustin Penner when he showed up for training camp with the Oilers  – but I always get a kick out of the claims they make. For example, are they implying that if I simply read a four-page article and follow a few pieces of advice, I can stay fit forever? No fucking way!

And wait, I too can have “flat, rock-hard abs”? Sweet! There is also a “Build Every Part of Your Body” article. But what happens if I follow the advice but do so in conjunction with taking a “supplement” magazines like these are always pimping? My cock is still going to get smaller no matter what, right? To me, that’s not “building” every part.

And who else cannot wait to “score” with Sidney’s workout? I sure as hell can’t!

Moving on to the actual article, MYFO has obviously had a good time with the whole “Hockey Jesus” bit. Hey, we’re smartasses – what do you expect? But even one of the best hockey blogs in the history of the e-bays apparently is not the sole perpetrator in making this comparison. Even members of the “mainstream media” such as Men’s Fitness have difficulty not comparing Sidney Crosby to Jesus Christ. In a somewhat brief article there are four telling references to Christian imagery and symbolism:

• The “subtitle” to the article: Can the fresh faced NHL superstar really resurrect this sagging sport?
• “Indeed it was Gretzky himself who anointed Crosby, then only 15, as the player who’ll someday shatter his records.”
• “Alas, Crosby’s playoff baptism last season didn’t last long enough for his tastes.”
• “The hockey establishment has even pegged him as the game’s savior (think Magic Johnson and Larry Bird rolled into one).”

It’s surprising the writer of the article didn’t relay how he experienced stigmata during the interview or how Sidney Christ turned water into Gatorade. Maybe the interview played out in a similar fashion to Madonna’s Like a Prayer video, only with a pasty Canadian. You never know.

Even former Rangers GM Neil Smith gets in on the act:

“He’s the real thing. You very rarely get to see the real thing coming along. He’s got everything you could ask for. He has a unique number on his back [87]; he’s a very good-looking kid, very articulate. He’s the total package. He’s like a matinee idol type – kids want his poster in their bedroom.”

Is it just me or does anyone else get the impression Smith has a poster of Crosby on his own bedroom wall? Right between his Hannah Montana and Jonas Brothers shrines. 

To make matters even worse, the name of the writer of the article is Ohm Youngmisuk. Fellow MYFO editor and the always brilliant LeNoceur had this to say about his name:

That’s Brian Suksumwong funny, right there. That’s like gay Yoda. “Oh, mmm, young me suck. Cum, good it is.” 

It is also rumored that this poor soul’s name is eerily similar to the words Gary Glitter loved to hear most from child prostitutes while he was living in Vietnam.

Finally, if you feel the urge to see the sexy photos of Crosby that without a doubt accompany the article for yourself, you will have to unfortunately purchase the magazine on your own. This ain’t Fleshbot and I think ogling photos of The Chosen One could be considered blasphemous, you goddamn heathens.

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